Hetalia Madness
by SpanishMonkeys
Summary: A nonsensical story! Me and the gang are stuck in an arena! Will everyone be able to stand the goings-on? Or will they lose their last strand of sanity? Rated T for France, and other mentally cracked characters. Discontinued.
1. Chapter 1 Our Story Begins!

**A/N:** So I got a few requests to do a random story (and I'm also DYING to make another one), so here it is! Enjoy!

Me: Oh God, not this again.

England: What?

Me: I have a strange feeling of déjà vu. Except I'm stuck in an arena that looks suspiciously like the Hunger Games one, and I'm stuck here with you insane countries.

Italy: PASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Germany: (facepalms)

Me: Believe me, Germany, this is not the last time you're going to be doing that.

Germany: I believe you too well.

Prussia: ZE AWESOME PRUSSIA IS HERE!

Me: NO. NO. NOOO. GET OUT. YOU ARE TOO UNAWESOME FOR THIS STORY.

** A/N:** Sorry all you Prussia fangirls! I can't help it if I hate him. But he's here for your sake so be grateful!

America: What the heck was that?

China: What the heck was what?

America: That random voice coming out of nowhere?

Japan: IT WAS ME! I used both shift keys for that! It made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside!

(Everybody freezes)

(Awkward silence)

China: This world is coming apart.

England: Please don't say that. I don't like the meaning.

Me: O.O

Russia: Why? I kind of like it. Then everyone can become one with me! ^J^

Me: I'll become one with you!

Russia: Excellent!

(Bright light flashes)

(Russia and I have LITTERALLY become one. Half of me is on one side, half of Russia is on the other. But since I am shorter than Russia, the result was enough to give Belarus's nightmares nightmares.)

(Silence)

Everyone: AAAAARRRRRGGGHHUKGSFYIIupAGTSYOGEO&wogtiluerhaioG! 

(The shout was so loud, the entire world shook. But maybe the world shook because Godzilla teamed up with a startled-looking blue whale and was rampaging Tokyo.)

Japan: OMG! The feels!

America: Dude! What the heck is wrong with Japan?!

China: What the heck is wrong with you, saying 'what the heck?'

England: This is madness!

France: (snaps fingers repeatedly) Oh no you di-n't!

England: OI! What are you doing here?

France: Saving Sandy here from a terrible fate.

(Bright light flashes again. Russia and I are back to normal)

Prussia: I believe I can fly!

(Jumps. Falls on his face and breaks his foot)

Prussia: Ow.

Me: HA! Abuse to Prussia is awesome!

Prussia: No.

(The author controls Prussia because this is her fanfiction)

Prussia: I am unawesome. In fact, I am so unawesome, that the world did, in fact, become a better place without me.

Me: (smug face) even Germany celebrated you absence.

Germany:…

Italy: I HAVE EYES! WHY DOES NO ONE THINK I DO?! I AM RIGHT NOW OVERUSING CAPSLOCK! DEAR GOD! I TALK TOO MUCH!

America: Italy actually said something important.

**A/N:** Oh my Jebus, he did! So, tell me what you think!

Thnx,

SpanishMonkeys


	2. Chapter 2 Pervertedness in Drunken State

Me: Okee, and we're baaack!

America: Dude, what the heck is wrong with your pronunciation?

China: What the heck IS wrong with your pronunciation?

England: You two ask WAY too many questions. -.-;

Italy: But she does sound weird…

Germany: It sounds like she had one too many beers.

America: What?

Germany: (facepalm) She's drunk.

(Everyone but me turns to look at Prussia)

Prussia: What? She needed some alcohol in her system!

Japan: No, she didn't.

Me: Whaa? I don't eben leik bier!

England: You aren't making any sense.

Me: You're not ,aking anuy sense.

Italy: Is she going to be okay?

Japan: I think so. But I don't think she will remember this.

America: Heck, she can't even stand up.

(I try to stand up but keep crashing to the ground)

France: (small, mischievous voice) She is vulnerable. So, completely vulnerable. Ohonhonhonhonhonhonhon…..

(Advances toward me, with his famous raep face)

Everyone: NO! YOU PERVERT!

France: (tackles me) YOU ARE MINE! (Assaults my face)

Me: NUUUU! (secretly enjoying it)

**A/N**: Crap….THAT side of me is coming out again…Honestly; some people think I act like France at times…Explains why I like him so much. :P

England: (pulls France off) You wanker!

France: Awww…

China: Ummmm…

Germany: What?

China: Sandy's acting weird….

Prussia: Isn't she always?

China: No, aru, it's just that… her face is red..and….uh….um….

America: Oh God.

Italy: I think France might have "accidentally" touched her curl.

Me: ….Oh God!...

Germany: 'Oh God' is right.

Prussia: Kesesesesesesesese!

England: Shut up!

(Prussia shuts up)

Russia: I'm here yay!

Prussia: Where did you go?

England: I SAID SHUT UP!

Russia: I got rejected by a hamster…)':

Me: Awww. There, there. (tries to pat Russia's arm but misses)

Italy: Sandy, I think you should lie down.

Me: Why? I acan do whatever I wanmt! tThius is my sotury, I contro; it!

(Instantly passes out)

(Russia catches me)

Germany: Definitely; she should lie down.

Russia: Da.


	3. Chapter 3 Russia Interviews the Baltics

**Russia Interviews the Baltics**

(Russia is sitting behind a desk)

Russia: So, guys, I see you're applying for that system manager position.

Lithuania: Yeah, that's correct.

Russia: Good, good. Take a seat.

(silence)

Lithuania: Uhhh, there's no chairs.

Russia: Tell me, Lithuania, what are your qualifications?

Lithuania: Well, um, I have six years of sales in this company, and I recently completed my master's in business management.

Russia: Have you ever been in a leadership position?

Estonia: Yes, I would often assume managerial duties when the branch manager was out of town.

Russia: Now tell me, Estonia, have you ever stolen company property?

Estonia: Uh, no, of course not.

Russia: Alright, have you ever poisoned a fellow employee?

Estonia: I-I-….uh…Are you serious?

Russia: Yes, I'm completely serious, Estonia. These are questions I have to ask. Just answer them honestly.

Estonia: No, I have never poisoned a fellow employee.

Russia: Ok, let's see…..How are you with customers?

Latvia: I do very well with customers, in fact-

Russia: Have you ever followed one home?

(silence)

Latvia: What? What do you mean?

Russia: And waited in their closet until they fell asleep?

Latvia: I-uh…uuummm…

Russia: Latvia, have you ever performed sacrificial murder on one of our customers?

Latvia: Um… No!

Russia: Latty, Latvey, can I call you Latvo?

Latvia: I-I-don't…

Russia: Have you ever taken a hollowed-out skull and sipped blood from it in the glorious name of Satan?

Lithuania: This..is..

Russia: (singsong voice) SAAAAAAAAATAAAAAAAANNNN! It's SATAN!

(long, awkward silence)

Lithuania: This is kinda ridiculous.

Russia: Babababaum!

Lithuania: Yeah.

Russia: Huhuhuhuhuh!

(another awkward silence)

Russia: You're right. We're getting off topic. Where would you like to see yourself in five years?

Lithuania: Are we done with the murder questions?

Russia: Lithuania, if you don't think you can handle the job, we can always hire someone from outside the company!

Lithuania: No! I-uh…In five years I hope to have taken on more responsibilities here to help the company grow as I grow.

Russia: Have you ever played an organ constructed out of human meat?

Estonia: What?

Russia: A meat organ, Estonia:

Estonia: That is isn't even possible.

Russia: Yes it is; I've played one myself. It sounds horrible.

Estonia: This interview isn't going how I imagined it would.

Russia: Well the, wrap your mind around this: I have no butt, Estonia.

Estonia: Excuse me?

Russia: Yeah, that's right. I have no lower body of any kind. Some people may call me a merman.

Estonia: Why are you telling me thi- Is that why you have no chairs?

Russia: Do you believe in ghosts, Latvia?

Latvia: Well, I-

Russia: Angels? Vampires? Tell me, please, are my eyes bleeding? It feels like there's blood dripping out of my eyes, tell me.

Latvia: This interview is spiralling out of control.

Russia: Latvia, I need a mermaid for my merman.

Latvia: Ahhh…

Russia: Why did God take my butt? It wasn't a gradual thing, Latvia, my butt just walked off and left.

Latvia: That's very sad.

Russia: Latvia, what would you do in this situation: you poop yourself, would you go home sick?

Latvia: I don't want this job anymore. I'm leaving.

Russia: No, wait, wait! There's a sign-on bonus!

Baltics: Is it a meat organ?

Russia: It might be a meat organ.


	4. Chapter 4 Canada and France are Bored

**A/N:** Did you like the last chapter? I'm writing each chapter into a short. I'll try to include as many shorts as possible. Tell me if you like the shorts, or just the randomness!

Thnx,

SpanishMonkeys

**Canada and France are Bored**

France: Man, there is NOTHING to do!

Canada: Oh my God, I am so bored!

(falls to knees)

Canada: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

France: (feels Canada's face) Yeah, your face is pretty soft!

Canada: We need to get out of here.

(Later on a flying otter…)

France: Anything?

Canada: Nooo!

France: The otter isn't working!

Canada: We NEVER come up with good ideas on the otter!

France: Then what else can we do?!

Canada: We could do something that isn't STUPID!

France: Let's just set some fires, or something.

Canada: WE ALWAYS SET FIRES!

(headbutts France)

(France falls off the otter)

France: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Canada: Hey, I know! Let's visit Austria!

(Later at Austria's house…)

Canada: Hey Austria! Are you home?

Prussia: I'm here!

France: (covers face) WHOA. WHOAAAAAA.

Canada: You're boring!

France: We want a country that isn't TERRIBLE!

Prussia: Awww, but I'm awesome!

France: NOOOOO. NO YOU ARE NOT!

Canada: (feeling face) Whoa, my face IS soft!

(lightning)

(Austria comes down from the sky on a flying piano)

Austria: YYYEEEEAAAAHHH! Musical!

(jumps off piano)

(piano blows up when it touched the ground)

Austria: I just flew around the world!

France: (starts stabbing Austria with a random knife)

Canada: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

France: I have no idea! I HAVE NO IDEA!

Canada: Everyone! Onto the otter!

(on the otter….)

Canada: Great. Now we're kidnappers!

France: I'm sorry, I was just SO BORED.

Canada: (puts arm around France) I know. I know. I'm still totally bored.

Austria: I can feel my musical awesomeness leaking out of my face!

Prussia: I stole a pack of gum once!

France: Nobody cares, Prussia!

Canada: Listen. Let's just drop them into a ravine, then light off a bunch of fireworks in a church or something.

France: That sounds lame, but whatever.

Prussia: (face is covered in blood) Heeey!

Canada: What the-

Prussia: Am I awesome yet?

Canada: Did you EAT part of Austria?

Prussia: Now he's a part of me for EVER!

France: That is hilarious!

Canada: Why didn't we think of EATING people?

France: Oh my God, our whole week is set.

Prussia: Yaay! I'm awesome!

France: (pushes Prussia off the otter)

Canada: AND into the ravine.


	5. Chapter 5 Romano is Lonely and Jealous

**Romano is Lonely and Jealous**

**A/N:** So, in celebration of France's birthday, I have uploaded a chapter for you gaiz! (Also, please no flaming. Everything written here is a joke. Don't take it seriously.)

Thnx,

SpanishMonkeys

(In a field)

Romano: So, Seychelles, would you mind explaining?

Seychelles: Explaining?

Romano: Explain why the birthday party you threw me flipping SUCKS.

Seychelles: (Cute voice) Awww, but I put a lot of work into this.

Romano: Well, I see birthday cake, and decorations, and games and crap, but where are all my flipping friends, Seychelles?

Seychelles: (about to cry) I don't know, I invited everyone!

Romano: Not even my fratello Italy showed up, and he ALWAYS shows up, cause HE'S AN IDIOT!

Seychelles: Well, we can still have fun; even though no one else comes.

Romano: Seychelles, Seychelles. This is the 9/11 of birthday parties.

Seychelles: I'm sorry.

Romano: I hope Germany doesn't see this; he thinks he's more popular than me, and he's not!

Seychelles: Yes! Definitely not!

Romano: Whatever, this party's a sausage fest, I'm leaving.

(Romano is walking down a road, meets Spain…)

Spain: Hola, Romano!

Romano: Hey Spain! Why the flop weren't you at my flippin birthday party?!

Spain: Sorry, I was at the birthday party Germany threw.

Romano: Germany's throwing a birthday party?!

Spain: Si, it's a crazy party, and I love it, and I love Germany and how crazy popular he is.

Romano: No he's not! Germany's an ugly potato eater and everyone hates him!

Spain: Don't be jelly, Romano.

Romano: I'm not flippin jelly!

Spain: You are so super jelly. You are peanut butter and jelly.

Romano: I'm not flippin peanut butter and jelly, Spain!

Spain: You are peanut butter and jelly with a tomato, and the tomato is also jelly.

Romano: Whatever, Spain. You're the 9/11 of Spanish-speaking countries.

(Later at the party…)

Germany: So, Italy, what do you think of the party?

Italy: I'm having such a good time, ve~, the party is wonderful, and everybody loves you.

Germany: Danke, Italy, I'm glad you actually made it! Even though you're an idiot!

Italy: Yeeaah.

Romano: No, YOU'RE the idiot, Germany!

Germany: Oh, hey, Romano! How do you like the birthday bash?

Romano: I think it flippin sucks.

Italy: I didn't realise this was a costume party.

Romano: Costume party?

Italy: Isn't that why you came dressed as a jellyfish?

Romano: I'M NOT FLIPPIN JELLYFISH!

Germany: Well you're acting peanut butter and jellyfish.

Romano: It's not even you're birthday, Germany!

Germany: It isn't yours, either.

Romano: No, but it IS my birthday party day.

Italy: So, what does everyone here think about cat abortions?

(awkward silence)

Romano: Italy, you're not my fratello anymore, Spain is.

Seychelles: Hey everyone!

Romano: Seychelles, why aren't you at MY party?!

Seychelles: YOU'RE not even at your own party.

Italy: I say the more the merrier in regards to cat abortions.

Romano: All of you. All of you are the 9/11s of everything.


	6. Chapter 6 America, Private Investigator

**A/N:** Sooo. So. Sososo. Ha. Spain. Fusososo. Anyway, here is the next short! **Warning:** This chapter is meant as a joke. I'm not trying to bash anything. Okay? Don't flame. I also can't seem to spell Polish names right. Forgive me!

Thnx,

SpanishMonkeys

**America the Private Investigator**

(It was night time in New York City. And in New York City, there was an apartment. What was coming out of the apartment were flaming arrows. And with each arrow, there was a burst of flame, and a scream. There was also a phone ringing.)

Tony: (juggling tacos) Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama, fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama, duck.

America: (Puts down bow) Hey, Tony, can you get that?

Tony: Llama llama, cheesecake llama, tablet brick potato llama, llama's llama, taste of llama, llama llama duck.

America: Can you-Can you answer that? I'm kind of busy here.

Tony: I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake, but I never saw the way, the orange slayed the rake. I only three years dead, but it told tale, and now listen little child, to the safety rail.

America: (shoots flaming arrow into wall)

Tony: Aww. (drops tacos)

America: (picks up phone) Hey, you've reached America the private investigator and lifelong provider of international Communism conspiracy. How can I help you?

Person: Hey. How's it going?

America: Meet me at the pier at midnight. We will stare out at the ocean one last time.

(hangs up)

(silence)

Tony: What?

America: What do you mean 'what'?

(silence)

Tony: (shaking) I MEAN WHAAAAAAAAAATT!

(phone rings)

America: (picks up phone) Hey, Antonio!

Person: Uh, no. This is Thailand. I called a second ago and you hung up on me.

America: You're Thailand?

Thailand: Yeah.

America: Is that a- (camera zooms in) Communist country ?

Thailand: No.

America: Good! Between you and me, I think the Ruskies need a good kick in the balls: The source of their Commie power.

Thailand: I need your help. It's my iguana, Joshua. He's joined a Cult.

America: Hmmm, yes, well Antonio, do have any idea which Cult has ensnared your poor lizard?

Thailand: Yes. It's the National Libertarian party.

America: This could be serious. Like AIDS serious. When was the last time you saw your iguana?

Thailand: About a week ago. They won't let him come back home. I'm lonely here with all my- my furniture, and purchased goods. Allll my objects!

America: Depressing, despondent, woeful, other synonyms for 'sad'. I'll hope you find your economically conservative and socially liberal iguana good sir, don't you worry.

Thailand: Yay! You fill me with happiness, my sweet walrus.

America: (camera zooms in) I do my best to fill things. (camera goes back to normal) Now our services are 25 dollars an hour, and an extra 100 dollars when we find your gator.

Thailand: I'll give you 5 dollars, and the BIGGEST hug you've ever seen!

America: Well, you've got yourself a slap-happy, butt-smacking deal, good sir. And by the way, we don't take Andorra currency.

Thailand: Yeah, no, I was just going to pay in regular dollars. I don't even know what Andorra is.

America: It's a principality between France and Spain. The people there are dirty.

Thailand: Right. Well, let me give you my information here.

America: (hangs up) What kind a world do we live in, Tony?! We've gotta do something about it!

Tony: Okay!

(picks up cat)

(Throw in microwave)

(cat blows up, splattering blood everywhere)

Tony: Oh nuuu! (cries and bangs head on the counter) (drags microwave away)

(later in a graveyard…)

Tony: (singing) Oh, Mittens! (drinks Red Bull) (starts vibrating)

America: Tony, we've got totally serious work to do. Antonio and his fine, fine iguana are counting on us, and that's the bond, Tony. A bond which sucks in the chocolatey nipple of time. Oh, I almost forgot, let's go grab a board game; tonight's family fun night.

(later at Toy Barn…)

America: Can you believe this, Tony?!

Tony: I believe in America.

America: My precious childhood is being RAPED in front of my eyes; and by Eskimos, no less. With their cold, feely hands. Look at all these toys! They're all covered in protective, kid-friendly safety foam. You could throw a kid down the stairs and he'll be fine. Why do you need safety foam? It probably was made to brainwash kids in believing things like 'friendship, sharing, and leading a healthy lifestyle'. Oh hey! It's Henry the health-time care burger, and he's come over to give you half of his juice box, cause he's just nice like that.

Tony: BANJO! WE'VE GOT IT! PULL THE HATCH FORWARD! WHAT YEAR IS IT, GOOD SIR!?

America: This isn't what kids need! Kids need menacing toy tanks with sharp metal edges that slice through their tender young skin when they play just a little too rough. They need commandos with attachable cigarettes for putting out in the eyes of their enemies. They need BB guns, and hatchets, and vials of poison and-

China: (walks up) Hey, uh, need any assistance?

America: You may just be able to assist me, good sir. Can you tell me why you support this obvious Communist plot to corrupt our youth and turn them into a bunch of 'take-only-what-you-need, love-the-Earth pansies?!

China: Yeah, you'll want to take that up with management.

America: No, this goes much higher than management. This goes straight to the top of your twisted corporate ladder. And I wonder if all these sudden outbursts can have an adverse effect on my blood pressure. I mean- I mean I'm not feeling too well lately. I mean I don't take really good care of myself as it is, and I don't have medical insurance, so, you know.

(later at the CEO's office…)

America: (drops through the ceiling) YOU!

Korea: Yes, ME! Can I help you, da-ze?

America: Are you the CEO of Toy Barn?

Korea: That I am. I am enjoying my window.

America: (throws axe into Korea's skull)

Korea: (falls over, dead)

America: And that's what you get. You get my axe of capitalism; right your face.

(silence)

America: Huh. By now, as a Communist, he should have either disintegrated, or turned into a giant red squid of some sort.

Tony: (searches Korea)

America: Anything interesting in there?

Tony: (reading book) Hmm, he's got a Temple recommends card.

America: Oh, well, crap. He's not a Communist; he's a Mormon, which explains his company's bizarre need to make everything obnoxiously bright and friendly. And well-dressed.

Tony: Someone….

(awkward silence)

America: Was there any more to that statement, or-

Tony: (going closer to America) Shut up! Just. Your. Mouth! (goes back normal distance)

America: All right, well we gotta get this body out of the building. Oh! How about seafood for lunch?

Tony: I like shrimpies!

America: Yes, and I myself are in the mood for…(camera zooms in) (voice echoes) Delicious crab meat. (everything goes back to normal) All right, seafood it is.

END OF PART 1


	7. Chapter 7 The Case is Solved (sort of)

**A/N:** Here is part 2 before I go on holidays for a week!

(At the entrance to Toy Barn, there was a guard keeping watch. America put the dead body into a cloak, and hid himself within it. Tony just followed in plain sight)

America: Hello fine citizen! You need not worry, because I, the CEO of Toy Barn, this very company, am going out to purchase some delicious edible food substances. (With every sentence, America moves the corpse's arm, splattering blood on the guard, and the wall) Would you like me to pick you up a CABBAGE, or maybe some EGG PLANTS.

Japan: You've got an axe in your face.

America: Ha! Well, you've got an axe in YOUR face!

Japan: (feels face) No.

(silence)

America: (Throws axe in Japan's face) Ah… the Winds of March. Or is it the TIDES of March, I think the Winds of March is a song by Journey.

(Later, in the graveyard at night….)

America: (panting) Aw, man, we forgot about family fun night.

Tony: I want to be the battle ship!

America: NO! NO! You're ALWAYS the battle ship! You can be the shoe. I want to be the battle ship for once.

Tony: You can be the Meridian Vase.

America: The what?

Tony: The MERIDIAN vaaaASSEEAA!

America; Um, yeah, I don't understand what you're-

Tony: Someone's coming!

Hong Kong: Hey. How's it going?

America: Hey! It's a- a rather swell night, isn't it?

Hong Kong: I'm a cop. I'm an officer of the law.

America: Why yes you are. You are, and don't let anyone tell you that you're not.

Hong Kong: I enforce the law. And laws, and codes, and statutes, and other things that require the enforcement of a police department employee.

America: Why that is, in fact, your very job description!

Hong Kong: Yeah, so it looks like you may be breaking some laws out here tonight.

America: Well, let's see…I've murdered the CEO of a toy company, AND his faithful floor security guard, and now I'm BURYING their axed-up bodies in the grave of a Mr. Germany. The former Germany/Holy Roman Empire was dug up and thrown into a canal across the street to make proper room for its new residents.

(silence)

America: Or did I?

America: I might be completely innocent.

Tony: It was me, I've forgotten my tulips.

Hong Kong: Well, I do think that there ARE indeed a series of that have been broken.

(silence)

America: (lifts axe)

Hong Kong: (shoots axe with pistol)

(axe flies away)

America: Holy Swiss cheese! Quickly Tony! RUN!

(later in a clock tower…)

America: Well, it seems the law has been laid down, Tony.

Tony: What's the law?

America: Harsh and unforgiving. And now we're on the run, outcasts in society. Pushed away from the large warm bosom of Lady America. It's not fair, Tony. I. Want. That. Bosom.

Tony: Well, you did axe up two innocent people.

America: Yeah, but one of them was a Mormon. Freaking Mormons and their, freaking dress shirts, and ties, and secret underwear, and always ringing my doorbell at dinner time, and I'm trying to eat my (camera zooms in) (Voice echoes) Delicious crab meat. (goes back to normal) Ah well. What's done is done; we can't linger in the past.

(Clock tower door knocks)

America: Oh, I wonder who that is. (answers door)

Taiwan: Hey, would you like to buy some jumbo shrimp?

America: Are you serious? I' m hiding out in a clock tower, what do you think?

Taiwan: But this is some high-quality shrimp I've got here. Some tasty, tasty shrimp; none of which I've licked.

America: Uh, no. We don't want any shrimp.

Tony: Awww, but I like shrimpies!

America: Tony, we're not buying any shrimp. I'm sorry. (slams door)

(door knocks)

America: (answers door)

Taiwan: Uh, hey, sorry to bother you again, but would you happen to have a fork, or something that I could buy, um… I have this can of spaghetti but nothing to eat it with, maybe a fork, a spoon, or a-Oh! Uh, do you have a SPORK!

America: Alright, that's it, we're leaving. Oh actually, you know what? Let me do one thing before we go.

(Pulls out shotgun)

(Pulls trigger)

(Cue scream)

America: (laughs) Oh, man, did you see that? He-he just, collapsed, like, instantly. Oah. Taking a picture with my mind; that one's going in the memory book. Aoh. It's always been my dream to shoot someone from a clock tower. I just-I thought I'd never get the chance, you know?

(Back at the apartment)

America: Well, another day, another case solved.

(Phone rings)

America: (Picks up phone) Hello?

Thailand: Hey, did you find my iguana?

America: Antonio, Communism is a 'mystery' that you later find out is a 'mister', and no number of salt baths will never rinse you of the shame. (Hangs up)

Tony: (Drinks Red Bull) (Starts vibrating)

America: Hey Tony, do you ever wonder if like, somewhere out there is another world exactly like ours, and like, another office with people in it exactly like us, except they're like, tacos, like, taco people?

Tony: Burritos?

America: Yes, sexy, sexy, burritos. And I'll be the sexiest burrito of them all.

(door knocks)

America: Hey Tony, could you get that?

(Tony answers door)

(Russian police flood in, killing America and Tony)

(Russia smiles)


	8. Chapter 8 The Afterlife is France

**England and the Spoon War**

(In a field with thick bushes growing, and a forest to the right, there was an army. A bunch of nations wore military clothes and armed with guns…)

(One nation called Finland ran all by his lonesome through the forest, dodging trees, whimpering like a puppy that was kicked in the face, and obviously fleeing from something very dangerous)

Finland: (bursts through the tree line) SPOOOOOOOONNNN!

(A large group of unbelievably tall spoons with monster faces came crashing through the trees, knocking a few over. The nations loaded their guns and started the attack on the giant spoons. A few were killed, one of them falling on top of a poor Mr. Netherlands. Another one fell on his sister, Belgium. At least they're together still. More gunfire. Hungary got crushed by another spoon. A big resounding crash rang throughout the battlefield. One soldier by the name of England got called over by his general lying decrepit on the dead ground. He was bleeding profusely from the side of his head)

England: General Germania! We- we have to get you to a medical unit!

Germania: No! I'm not going to make it.

England: Don't talk like that! I'm sure you'll be fine!

Germania: I'm a goner, England, and you know it. (hacking cough) Before I go…

England: Yes?

Germania: Can I just have…One kiss?

England: ….Um…no.

Germania: Come on, just one, small, peck on the lips. (kissing sounds)

England: I'm walking the other way now sir, gotta fight this spoon.

Germania: (dies)

(England walks away and sees spoon. He fires. The spoon falls on England, sending the poor nation to his final reward.)

* Two Weeks Earlier *

(England was talking to his boss, Belarus, at work)

Belarus: Hey, England! Working late again, I see!

England: Ah, yes ma'am. I was just finishing up.

Belarus: Great, great. Say England, you've been working here as an accountant for, what, about five years, right?

England: Yep, and it's going to be my sixth year in March.

Belarus: I just wanted to tell you you've done amazing work. You're always on time, you work late, and you're numbers are consistently accurate.

England: Oh, well, uh, thank you. I appreciate that.

Belarus: You like killing babies, England?

England: Uh…

Belarus: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just stalling. What I really wanted to say was...You're fired!

England: What?! Why?

Belarus: You like chopping up kittens, England?

England: I don't understand, is this some sort of test?

Belarus: Guards!

(Security chases England out the building)

Belarus: (Very quietly) Hey, Chell! Do you like firing guns at school buses?

England: (Keeps walking as the stars twinkle down upon him like they don't care. But they don't care. That was probably the worst sentence I've ever written.)

Australia: Hey dude, uh, man! I got this thing, and uh, you might be interested in buyin it man, come here, check it out, man.

England: It wouldn't happen to be an accounting job, would it? Or happiness. Or a copy of Kickboxer 4.

Australia: Oh, no man, its even better.

(walks into an old warehouse)

Australia: All right, okay, so I found this dolphin, and it was like, dead, so I-uh-I covered it in clocks, and I put like a, get this man, I put this FM radio in its head.

England: Uh, no thanks.

Australia: Oh, man, you don't understand man, it's like clairvoyant now man, it can tell the future and crap like that, man.

England: It's rotting.

Australia: Yeah, man! Of course it's rotting, man! It's what it's supposed to do! It rots away time, so you can tune in to the future!

(awkward silence)

Australia: Oh come on, man, just give it a try! Just ask the dolphin to tell your future, man!

England: Ah, why not. O mighty dolphin, clock, thing: uh, why am I here? What's my purpose?

Dolphin: The Earth is going to be totally conquered by spoons. Only you, England, can stop this absolute domination. Only YOU can save the nations and their citizens. This is your purpose, England.

England: …huh.

Australia: Awww, man, it's awesome, isn't it? It told me I was likely to be king of the Moon People.

(At England's house….)

(Phone rings)

England: Hello?

(silence)

England: Hello?

(screaming and mushy sounds were heard, and what sounded like blood splashing onto the floor)

(silence)

Person: Are you afraid?

England: Um…

(catchy rock music)

Person: Are you aware of the attacks to the nations have become more frequent? Why, your very town may be attacked today!

England: Seriously, who is this?

Person: Are you a worthless piece of flesh who isn't fit to enjoy the freedom you're so pampered with?

England: Um, you might have the wrong number.

Person: Join the global military, England. Make something of yourself.

England: Are you in my house?

(Footsteps were heard through the phone) (sound of a car door opening and closing)

Person: No, I'm not.

(later….)

England: (Goes up to Rome) Well, I'm off. I'm joining the

United

Super

Secret

Resistance.

Rome: When will you be back?

England: I don't know. I don't even know who YOU are, or why you are in my house. But when I return, I will tell you many stories of my travels.

(On the battlefield)

Germania: England, I'm looking for Private Finland, have you seen him?

England: No sir, General Germania. The last I heard, he was scouting something out in the forest.

Germania: Ah.

(silence)

Germania: You're like a swan, I could stare at you forever.

(In the forest, Finland was wandering around, keeping a sharp lookout. Then he saw something, and he screamed and fled)

(Going back to regular time, at England's old job…)

Belarus: Hey, Cuba, do you remember a guy named England?

Cuba: Oh, yeah, the accountant, right?

Belarus: Ex-accountant. Apparently he died today; crushed by a large wooden spoon while fighting in the resistance.

Cuba: Awww, gee, that's too bad. I didn't really know the guy, but I'm sad to hear he died.

Belarus: Say, Cuba, you like setting fire to mentally handicapped children?

(Gunshots)

(Cuba runs out of the building, screaming)

(Meanwhile, the deceased England was floating in the sky)

England: Whoa, I'm floating in the clouds. Very cloudy. Very misty. Oh look, bananas! And they're flying. Well, there they go.

(As the bananas with wings fluttered off, England saw a silhouette in the mist)

Person: Welcome, England.

(This person had a very familiar accent. Almost as if this person was…no. That can't be right)

England: Is this….Heaven?

Person: You are in…..New France! Ohonhonhonhon!

England: Oh God, it's hell!

(A city floated in the clouds. There was a large banner that read 'Welcome to New France!' There was also someone else standing a ways off, but England couldn't remember who)

(Bright, cheerful, French-style music kicked in)

France: (singing) Hello, bonjour, I welcome you! You are in New France! We drink and laugh all day in this, country of romance! Here have some cheese, some soup, some wine, or a nice soufflé. Come follow me, there's much to see, while you're in New Francé.

England: (singing) Why on Earth, don't these chicks ever shave, Oh why, oh why must a place such as this, be my grave?! I must now find a way to leave this land,

France: (singing) Not a chance! You are stuck here for eternity, stuck here in New France. We've surrendered to Italians, and twice to Germany. But eventually they left!

England: Because your country smells like pee.

France: (singing) So maybe we can't win a war, buy hey, we make great wine! Here, try a glass; it's good, I swear! The taste is so divine! We know the latest fashions, and our art is quite insane, we love to hang in coffee shops, and talk about our pain. The world may think us snotty, but that's also very wrong! If you admit that we're superior, I'm sure we'd get along.

England: (singing) I can't stand being here, I wanna cry! If I hear Ohonhon one more time I'll surely die! I'm sure that France would be quite nice if he kills off the French!

France: (singing) Well you are stuck here for a billion years, so get used to the stench. (talking) There's no second chance, the afterlife is France!

England: I'm sure there has to be a way!

France: You're stuck in France, so why not dance, so you should be okay. Your edgy stance, your hate-filled glance, just don't try to go astray.

England: Gotta find myself a chance, find a way to bail on France,

France: Take your home and throw it away! You have to stay your afterlife in France ohon!

(song ends)


	9. Chapter 9 Ukraine has Problems

England: I'm going to go ahead and leave now.

France: There is no escape from New France!

England: Yeah, stuck in France forever, yeah, right, um. I'm just going to try that manhole over there.

(Jumps through manhole)

(Falls on Earth)

(Impact kills him)

(Materializes back in New France)

England: Ah, no way! Ah, this sucks!

(Jumps back through manhole)

(Falls on Earth)

(Breaks his neck and dies)

(Materializes)

England: Oh come on!

France: Are you having fun?

England: Shut it, frog face.

(Sees flying banana)

England: Oh, by the way, what's up with all the flying banana things?

France: I have no idea.

(England jumps through manhole)

(This time, he lands on someone else)

(Gets up)

England: I'm-I'm not in France! :D

Person: No. No you're not.

England: Oh God, I'm so sorry, I think when I landed on you, I messed up your head.

Person: (lights and happy music start coming from her head) This is my head's normal shape. It's a birth defect. My mother would drink while she was pregnant with me. I don't speak much with my mother. She never remembered my birthday. She never remembered anything.

(Lights and music stop)

(silence)

England: Umm, okay? Well, uh, hi. My name is England.

Person: My name is Ukraine. (lights and music start up) The only person other than my siblings I loved suffocated on a Popsicle stick. Now every time I hear the bells of an ice cream truck I cry.

(music and lights stop)

Ukraine: Oh, about the music and stuff, I installed a sound and light show system into my head to play happy songs and beam colourful lights when I talk about my miserable life. So it doesn't seem quite so depressing.

England: Right. So, Ukraine. What brings you to the forest? Camping? Hiking? Getting some fresh air?

(lights and music start up)

Ukraine I've been banished from civilization, and if I show my face back there, I'll be arrested.

England: Arrested? Hmmm, um, what for?

Ukraine: Malicious psychological abuse towards children.

England: Um.

Ukraine: You see, I'm a child's psychologist, and apparently my methods according to some are "inappropriate".

(flashback to empty room with Ukraine and a small child)

Ukraine: Okay Sealand, we're gonna do a little test.

(Holds up abstract picture)

Ukraine: Tell me, what does this picture look like to you?

Sealand: A butterfly?

(Ukraine holds lighter up to herself)

(Sets herself on fire)

Ukraine: AAAAAHHHHHHH!

Sealand: AAAAAHHHHHHH!

(end of flashback)

Ukraine: Well, I guess it all kinda goes back to me hating my own childhood.

(lights and music commence)

Ukraine: I always wanted a bike like all the other kids, but my father was always too drunk to keep a job, and while there was always enough money for his invaluable supply of booze, there was never enough for a child's happiness.

(lights and music stop)

England: Look, uh, I should probably be hurrying along; I have to continue in my quest to destroy all spoons.

Ukraine: Well, there is this scientist guy named Turkey a few miles back, and he built a machine that he says can end the spoon war.

England: Wow. Can you take me to him?

Ukraine: Yeah, I'll take you to him all right. (evil laughter)

(blows through tube)

(small arrow shoots out, but misses)

England: Uh, what was that?

Ukraine: Crap, hold on.

(goes and gets the arrow)

(shoots and misses again)

(goes and gets the arrow)

(stabs England with it)

England: Oww, hey, that wasn't very nice.

(starts swaying)

England: Ah, I'm feeling…sleepy. …..I can play musical chairs with my teeth!

(passes out)

(England sees the clock dolphin)

England: Oh, hi, dolphin, shark, clock thing! I see you are in my mind.

Dolphin: Oh, no man, it's me man, I'm like, channelling myself through the dolphin, man. So what's goin on, man? How are you doin, man?

England: Well, I am unconscious, so, not very well, actually.

Australia/Dolphin: Oh, hey man, I got a joke for you, man. What time is it?

(silence)

Australia/Dolphin: What time is it, man?

England: I don't know. What time is it?

Australia/Dolphin: Time for you to get a watch, haha! Oh, yeah man. If you were a clock, you'd know. Okay man, I got another one. What time is it?

England: Isn't this the same?

Australia/Dolphin: What time is it, man?

England: I don't know. What time is it?

Australia/Dolphin: Time for you to get cooking, man! Hahaha! You get it, man? Cause like, there's some stoves, like with built in clocks, so you can time how long you've been cooking something? You see, it's a multi-level joke, you need to think about it, and THEN you get the joke. It's like, awww, man, I get it now. I wrote it myself, cause I think it's funnier than the original, cause it works in so many different ways, man.

(silence)

Australia/Dolphin: What time is it?

England: All right, I think I'm waking up, now.

Australia/Dolphin: All right, man, see you, man!

(All England sees is blackness, but he can hear things)

Person: England, wakey wakey, England! Wake up, England!

England: (gets up) Ah, what? Uh, what's going on now? Who're you?

Person: I am Turkey. And this is my laboratory! It is here that I am about to activate my great machine that will end the spoon war! Ukraine saw you sneaking around the forest, and we can't have you interupting my plans to use the machine, now can we?

England: Yeah, I've had a long day, is this going to take a while?

Turkey: Yes. Well, it's time to start the device!

Ukraine: (holding gun) (music and lights start up) I think the happiest time of my life was when my father lost his belt, so for one day I was spared the pain-

England: Will you just shut up?

Turkey: Soon the machine will be ready, and it will react with all human/nations, and turn them all into SPEWNS!

England: What?

Turkey: Think about it! The spoons will have no reason to fight us if we become spoons ourselves! Peace will be restored, and the war would be over forever!

England: Your moral compass is all off, Turkey! You can't just give up who you are to be safer! I'm a nation. It is my duty to fight to protect my citizens and what we countries stand for. If you think creating a loom of safety is what you believe in….you're one terribly disillusioned man.

Turkey: Poor little England is sad! Sad little England, I think the sad fairy has spread depressing dust all over your poor little sobbing head.

England: Ukraine, this guy's a nut! Yeah, but I guess you are too.

Turkey: The machine's almost at full force! Soon everyone will be spoons!

England: All right, that's it!

(Grabs gun from Ukraine)

Ukraine: Great, now I can add another thing into my checklist of 'Things in Life I Failed at'.

England: (shoots Ukraine)

(Ukraine dies)

England: (shoots machine)

(machine blows up)

(LATER, when England is at home, telling his story…..)

Rome: So, did Turkey die in the explosion?

England: Actually, the machine mutated him into a force of pure evil.

Rome: Did he turn into a half nation-half spoon beast?

England: Worse. He turned into a group of dedicated scientologists.

(flashback)

Turkey 1: Have you heard of Elrond Hubbard?

(England shoots Turkey 1)

Turkey 2: You must bow down to the Pumpkin King!

(England shoots Turkey 2)

Turkey 3: The alien overlord Xeno is spreading lies-

(England shoots Turkey 3)

Turkey 4: Give us lots of money and we will tell you the secrets of-

(England shoots Turkey 4)

Turkey 5: Would you like me to stuff a dead racoon into your mailbox?

(England shoots Turkey 5)

England: I don't have a religion! You're a pyramid scheme!

(A Turkey replica separates into 2 Turkeys)

Both Turkeys: You can't kill us all!

(end of flashback)

Rome: Wow, that sounds intense.

England: It was. But you know what? I learned something from that day. Yeah, I may have it rough sometimes; I may lose an arm, or an eye, or even lose all hope. We all have our bad times, and I'm no exception. But regardless of how bumpy the road can be and regardless of how many limbs I lose, or even if all hope is lost, I can always be thankful that hey, at least I'm not French.


	10. Chapter 10 Switzy Cheers up Lichtenstein

**Switzerland Cheers up Liechtenstein**

**(**In a field of flowers)

(Liechtenstein is sniffing)

Switzerland: What's wrong? You look kind of sad.

Liechtenstein: I am sad.

Switzerland: Oh no!

Liechtenstein: I know, it's terrible. I am sad. So sad.

Switzerland: Well, when I'm sad, I sing about all the things in the world that make me happy.

(Music starts up)

Switzerland: (singing)

An apple pie, a bright blue sky, a breezy meadow in July,

An ice cream bar, a shooting star, the sound of a steel guitar.

Liechtenstein: That IS wonderful.

Switzerland: (singing)

I love the sound of rain, wearing a hat and cane, Tiffany window panes lovely to see!

Frost on a windowsill, the feel of a dollar bill, vacations in Brazil fill me with glee.

These are all the little things that make me smile; these are all the things that make life

worthwhile, everybody knows the Holocaust was a lie, so let's sing about the things we

like and don't be shy!

Liechtenstein: Wait, what was that about the Holocaust?

Switzerland: (singing)

A strip of lace, a pretty face, eugenics really makes the case,

Counting sheeps, and froggy leaps, touchingLiechtensteininapproprately while she

sleeps.

Liechtenstein: Hey!

Switzerland: (singing)

I love the feel of grain, the screams of a man in pain, blood coming down like rain,

showering me!

That everlasting thrill during the final kill, body dumped in a landfill got off scot-free.

These are all the little things that make me smile, they are all the things that make life

worthwhile, one day I will eat your brain and it'll be great, so let's sing about the things

we like and meet your fate!

(silence)

Liechtenstein: That was, uh, great, you-you really cheered me up.

(silence)

Switzerland: You whore!


	11. Chapter 11 Poland's Pony Brigade

**Poland's Pony Brigade**

(In a pasture)

Poland: Like, good morning ponies!

Ponies: Maaaaahhh. -.-

Poland: So how's everyone feeling today?

Ponies: Maaaaahhhh. -.-

Poland: Like, we should totally begin today's training.

Ponies: Maaaaahhh! D:

Poland: Oh come on! We haven't trained for, like, a week. I'm starting to think you guys are just being totally lazy.

Pony: Maaaaahhh?

Poland: Who is that? Ponita, was that you?

(walks over)

Poland: Oh come on, Ponita! Are those tattoos?

Ponita: Maaaaahhh. :P

Poland: Poniiiitaaaa! Like, people don't take you seriously as it is, and you're totally not helping.

Ponita: Maaaaahhh. _._

Poland: Ponita, is that a tongue ring? You're just trying to make me angry, aren't you?

Ponita: Maaaaahhh.

Poland: You're, like, the worst pony ever. And I hate you.

Ponies: Maaaaahhh. D:

Poland: Oh, now what's going on over there?

(walks over)

Pony: Maaaaahhh. D:

Pony 2: Maaaaahhh. D:

Poland: Now now, ponies, break it up.

Pony: Maaaaahhh. D:

Poland: Like, what's gotten into guys?

Ponita: Maaaaahhh.

Poland: Shut up Ponita, this doesn't concern you! Maybe the generals were right; a pony brigade isn't a good idea.

Ponies: Maaaaahhh! )':

Poland: Well, I'm sorry, that's how I feel right now. That this is all totally….stupid.

(silence)

Pony: Maaaaaahhh? ):

Poland: Ah, I'm sorry ponies, I didn't mean that. You know that I totally love each and every one of you. Except PONITA! Who is a RIDICULOUS PONY!

Ponita: Maaaaahhh. -.-'

Poland: God, I hate you so much, Ponita.


	12. Chapter 12 Belgium Likes to be Healthy

**Belgium Likes to be Healthy**

(In the living room…)

Netherlands: Ah, man, it's been a long day, I think I'm just gonna curl up on the sofa, watch some Netflix, and eat some vanilla-fudge ice-cream.

(Belgium appears with sparkles)

Belgium: Hey, I'm Healthy Belgium! Did you know that sugary foods are a leading cause of tooth decay?

Netherlands: Yeah.

Belgium: When you consume them, the enamel that protects the teeth is exposed to HARMFUL ACIIIIDDSSS!

Netherlands: Where did you come from, anyway?

Belgium: Instead of that unhealthy vanilla-fudge ice-cream, wouldn't you much rather have a delicious crispy WAAAFFLLEEE?

(pulls waffle out of nowhere)

Netherlands: Um, not really.

Belgium: Mmmm, I bet you're just dying to take a big ol' bite out of this nice savouring waffle, mmhmm!

Netherlands: I'm not really in the mood for waffles.

(Belgium sticks waffle in Netherlands' mouth)

Belgium: There you go. Eat up that golden waffle.

Netherlands: erhehsegrehr!

Belgium: Now isn't that nice?

IT'S HEALTHY BELGIUM!

(In the office…..)

Netherlands: It's about time for my lunch break! Lunch break!

(Belgium appears)

Belgium: Hey, I'm Healthy Belgium!

Netherlands: Oh no!

Belgium: I hope you weren't thinking about having a soda with lunch. Soda is just about the worst thing ever for your teeth!

Netherlands: I usually just drink water.

Belgium: Speaking of lunch, how about a crispy WAAAFFLLEEE!

(Takes waffle out of nowhere)

Netherlands: Oh come on! I don't even like waffles!

Belgium: Sure you do! Everyone likes waffles! They're tasty and delicious, and a big part of proper tooth care.

Netherlands: Why is this happening to –ermaghemher!

(Has a waffle in his mouth)

Belgium: Yeah, that's right, eat up that big ol' waffle.

IT'S HEALTY BELGIUM!

(In the bedroom…)

Netherlands: Uhhhh, I'm so ready to go to bed.

(Belgium appears)

Belgium: Hey, I'm Healthy Belgium!

Netherlands: Oh no! No!

Belgium: I sure hope you remembered to brush and floss your teeth!

Netherlands: Yes. Yes I did. Which means it's too late to eat anything cause I already brushed.

Belgium: There's always time for another WAAAFFLLLLLLLLLLLEEE!

Netherlands: I don't want to eat anymore waffles!

Belgium: But these are so yummy and flavourful! It would be such a shame to waste them!

(Puts waffle in Netherlands' mouth)

Netherlands: Ermgheargh. I just want to go to bed!

Belgium: You can go to bed after you eat a waaafflleee!

(Sticks another waffle in his mouth)

Netherlands: Eertmererenremr!

IT'S HEALTHY BELGIUM!

(In living room, holding pure sugar….)

Netherlands: Boy, I could sure go for some SKITTLES or maybe a whole bucket of ICE CREAM or something.

(Belgium appears)

Belgium: Hey, I'm Healthy Belgium!

(silence)

Belgium: What have you got there?

Netherlands: A bag of sugar.

(silence)

Belgium: You know what's better for you that all that-

(Netherlands dumps the sugar on Belgium)

Belgium: AAAHHHHHH!

Netherlands: AH CRAP!

(All the skin and some of the flesh except for the eyes melt off of Belgium)

Belgium: AAAHHHHHHH! AHHH! AAAHHHH!

(Sticks waffle in Netherlands' mouth)

IRSHEAYYBELIUM!


	13. Chapter 13 It's Raining Nordic Men

England: I'm going to go ahead and leave now.

France: There is no escape from New France!

England: Yeah, stuck in France forever, yeah, right, um. I'm just going to try that manhole over there.

(Jumps through manhole)

(Falls on Earth)

(Impact kills him)

(Materializes back in New France)

England: Ah, no way! Ah, this sucks!

(Jumps back through manhole)

(Falls on Earth)

(Breaks his neck and dies)

(Materializes)

England: Oh come on!

France: Are you having fun?

England: Shut it, frog face.

(Sees flying banana)

England: Oh, by the way, what's up with all the flying banana things?

France: I have no idea.

(England jumps through manhole)

(This time, he lands on someone else)

(Gets up)

England: I'm-I'm not in France! :D

Person: No. No you're not.

England: Oh God, I'm so sorry, I think when I landed on you, I messed up your head.

Person: (lights and happy music start coming from her head) This is my head's normal shape. It's a birth defect. My mother would drink while she was pregnant with me. I don't speak much with my mother. She never remembered my birthday. She never remembered anything.

(Lights and music stop)

(silence)

England: Umm, okay? Well, uh, hi. My name is England.

Person: My name is Ukraine. (lights and music start up) The only person other than my siblings I loved suffocated on a Popsicle stick. Now every time I hear the bells of an ice cream truck I cry.

(music and lights stop)

Ukraine: Oh, about the music and stuff, I installed a sound and light show system into my head to play happy songs and beam colourful lights when I talk about my miserable life. So it doesn't seem quite so depressing.

England: Right. So, Ukraine. What brings you to the forest? Camping? Hiking? Getting some fresh air?

(lights and music start up)

Ukraine I've been banished from civilization, and if I show my face back there, I'll be arrested.

England: Arrested? Hmmm, um, what for?

Ukraine: Malicious psychological abuse towards children.

England: Um.

Ukraine: You see, I'm a child's psychologist, and apparently my methods according to some are "inappropriate".

(flashback to empty room with Ukraine and a small child)

Ukraine: Okay Sealand, we're gonna do a little test.

(Holds up abstract picture)

Ukraine: Tell me, what does this picture look like to you?

Sealand: A butterfly?

(Ukraine holds lighter up to herself)

(Sets herself on fire)

Ukraine: AAAAAHHHHHHH!

Sealand: AAAAAHHHHHHH!

(end of flashback)

Ukraine: Well, I guess it all kinda goes back to me hating my own childhood.

(lights and music commence)

Ukraine: I always wanted a bike like all the other kids, but my father was always too drunk to keep a job, and while there was always enough money for his invaluable supply of booze, there was never enough for a child's happiness.

(lights and music stop)

England: Look, uh, I should probably be hurrying along; I have to continue in my quest to destroy all spoons.

Ukraine: Well, there is this scientist guy named Turkey a few miles back, and he built a machine that he says can end the spoon war.

England: Wow. Can you take me to him?

Ukraine: Yeah, I'll take you to him all right. (evil laughter)

(blows through tube)

(small arrow shoots out, but misses)

England: Uh, what was that?

Ukraine: Crap, hold on.

(goes and gets the arrow)

(shoots and misses again)

(goes and gets the arrow)

(stabs England with it)

England: Oww, hey, that wasn't very nice.

(starts swaying)

England: Ah, I'm feeling…sleepy. …..I can play musical chairs with my teeth!

(passes out)

(England sees the clock dolphin)

England: Oh, hi, dolphin, shark, clock thing! I see you are in my mind.

Dolphin: Oh, no man, it's me man, I'm like, channelling myself through the dolphin, man. So what's goin on, man? How are you doin, man?

England: Well, I am unconscious, so, not very well, actually.

Australia/Dolphin: Oh, hey man, I got a joke for you, man. What time is it?

(silence)

Australia/Dolphin: What time is it, man?

England: I don't know. What time is it?

Australia/Dolphin: Time for you to get a watch, haha! Oh, yeah man. If you were a clock, you'd know. Okay man, I got another one. What time is it?

England: Isn't this the same?

Australia/Dolphin: What time is it, man?

England: I don't know. What time is it?

Australia/Dolphin: Time for you to get cooking, man! Hahaha! You get it, man? Cause like, there's some stoves, like with built in clocks, so you can time how long you've been cooking something? You see, it's a multi-level joke, you need to think about it, and THEN you get the joke. It's like, awww, man, I get it now. I wrote it myself, cause I think it's funnier than the original, cause it works in so many different ways, man.

(silence)

Australia/Dolphin: What time is it?

England: All right, I think I'm waking up, now.

Australia/Dolphin: All right, man, see you, man!

(All England sees is blackness, but he can hear things)

Person: England, wakey wakey, England! Wake up, England!

England: (gets up) Ah, what? Uh, what's going on now? Who're you?

Person: I am Turkey. And this is my laboratory! It is here that I am about to activate my great machine that will end the spoon war! Ukraine saw you sneaking around the forest, and we can't have you interupting my plans to use the machine, now can we?

England: Yeah, I've had a long day, is this going to take a while?

Turkey: Yes. Well, it's time to start the device!

Ukraine: (holding gun) (music and lights start up) I think the happiest time of my life was when my father lost his belt, so for one day I was spared the pain-

England: Will you just shut up?

Turkey: Soon the machine will be ready, and it will react with all human/nations, and turn them all into SPEWNS!

England: What?

Turkey: Think about it! The spoons will have no reason to fight us if we become spoons ourselves! Peace will be restored, and the war would be over forever!

England: Your moral compass is all off, Turkey! You can't just give up who you are to be safer! I'm a nation. It is my duty to fight to protect my citizens and what we countries stand for. If you think creating a loom of safety is what you believe in….you're one terribly disillusioned man.

Turkey: Poor little England is sad! Sad little England, I think the sad fairy has spread depressing dust all over your poor little sobbing head.

England: Ukraine, this guy's a nut! Yeah, but I guess you are too.

Turkey: The machine's almost at full force! Soon everyone will be spoons!

England: All right, that's it!

(Grabs gun from Ukraine)

Ukraine: Great, now I can add another thing into my checklist of 'Things in Life I Failed at'.

England: (shoots Ukraine)

(Ukraine dies)

England: (shoots machine)

(machine blows up)

(LATER, when England is at home, telling his story…..)

Rome: So, did Turkey die in the explosion?

England: Actually, the machine mutated him into a force of pure evil.

Rome: Did he turn into a half nation-half spoon beast?

England: Worse. He turned into a group of dedicated scientologists.

(flashback)

Turkey 1: Have you heard of Elrond Hubbard?

(England shoots Turkey 1)

Turkey 2: You must bow down to the Pumpkin King!

(England shoots Turkey 2)

Turkey 3: The alien overlord Xeno is spreading lies-

(England shoots Turkey 3)

Turkey 4: Give us lots of money and we will tell you the secrets of-

(England shoots Turkey 4)

Turkey 5: Would you like me to stuff a dead racoon into your mailbox?

(England shoots Turkey 5)

England: I don't have a religion! You're a pyramid scheme!

(A Turkey replica separates into 2 Turkeys)

Both Turkeys: You can't kill us all!

(end of flashback)

Rome: Wow, that sounds intense.

England: It was. But you know what? I learned something from that day. Yeah, I may have it rough sometimes; I may lose an arm, or an eye, or even lose all hope. We all have our bad times, and I'm no exception. But regardless of how bumpy the road can be and regardless of how many limbs I lose, or even if all hope is lost, I can always be thankful that hey, at least I'm not French.


	14. 14 Greece and Hungary are Unsatisfied

**Greece and Hungary are Unsatisfied**

(Greece is lying on the ground…..)

(Hungary falls from the sky)

Hungary: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Greece: (gets up) What? What is it?

Hungary: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Greece: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Hungary: I so need to kick someone!

Greece: Oh my God, me too!

Hungary: Let's totally do it!

(On the flying otter….)

Hungary: AAAAAHHHHHHH!

Greece: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Hungary: (points down) AAAAHHHHHH!

Greece: (nods) AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

(On the ground, Egypt is juggling pots)

Hungary and Greece: (run up) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Egypt: Hey dudes, what's goin o-

(gets tackled)

Hungary and Greece: (kicking Egypt) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Prussia: Hey guys!

(silence)

Prussia: How's it going?

(silence)

Hungary and Greece: (kicking Prussia) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Prussia: Yay, I'm involved!

(On the otter…)

Hungary: Well, we did it.

Greece: We totally kicked some people.

Hungary: Then why do I feel this-(camera zooms in) TERRIBLE SILKY EMPTINESS?

Greece: OH MY GOD me too! It's like we're soulmates!

Hungary: I do everything I want. Why do I feel like I do nothing?!

Greece: What is wrong with us?! Are we going to die? (Puts stickers on Hungary) ARE WE GONNA DIE?!

Hungary: Shut up and eat some cake!

(on the ground eating cake…..)

Hungary: Even with cake I feel nothing!

Greece: I don't remember how I got here.

Hungary: What if we have too much? What if we never feel satisfied again?!

Greece: (throws cake on the ground) We need to give it all back! WE NEED TO GIVE EVERYTHING BACK!

Hungary: (throws cake on ground) YES! EVERYTHING! (throws up)

(runs up to Egypt lying on the ground)

Greece: Hey Egypt!

Egypt: Go away you knuckleheads.

Hungary: We need to give it all back!

Greece: Every last bit of it!

Egypt: That's just your problem. I'm outta here. (Turns into tree)

Hungary: (falls to knees) NOOOOO! IT'S SO LOVELEYYYYY!

Greece: (floats up towards the tree) I am nothing! A useless, snivelling nothing!

Hungary: (eyes roll to back of head) I can't see! I can't see! (mouth joins together)

Greece: (still floating) (eyes roll to back of head) I don't even remember making a caaaake! (mouth joins together) (limbs disappear)

(falls to ground)

(Both nations have turned into faceless, limbless, piles of flesh)

Prussia: WOO! I WIN!

Author: No you have not!

(Joins Greece and Hungary, but with internal bleeding to add to that)


End file.
